i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
