OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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