When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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