I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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