If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
