What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
