I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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