Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
