No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
