I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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