My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
