once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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