Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
