How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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