I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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