He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
