Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize