Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
