I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
