The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
