I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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