I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
