Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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