did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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