I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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