i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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