so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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