So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
