onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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