Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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