if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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