I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
honey bunches of taint.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
