We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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