you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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