i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
