You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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