woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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