so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
