I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
