I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My bed smells like the plague
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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