No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
