I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
