Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I skipped work to stalk him.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The air was thick with penises
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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