My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
