i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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