Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
