That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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