The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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