he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
