You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
