i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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