Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
