Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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