dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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