i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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