My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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