u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
