just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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